My mentor and friend, Jennifer Hadley stayed with us this weekend. It's always nice to have her close. On Sunday she accompanied us to the our son's burial site, where we celebrated his first birthday. Kaidon passed away unexpectedly in October from a rare heart disease. It's been a challenging year but even in the grieving process there are blessings to be discovered.
After we planted fresh flowers around his memorial, Jennifer offered a beautiful blessing. Before we left, we expressed our love for Kaidon and shared with him how he impacted our lives. Then we got back in the car for a long ride home. We decided to stop for coffee along the way and I shared some of the stuff that has come up as I process this experience. I accept everything is unfolding for my greatest good, even if I can't fully see it in this moment, and I trust that Kaidon fulfilled his divine contract.
Then, Jennifer said something that really touched my heart. "People suffer when they can't accept the Divine plan includes things that they don't want." Wow.
I didn't want my son to get sick. I wanted to raise him into adulthood, bake birthday cakes, put bandaids on scraped knees, and go to graduation ceremonies. This will never happen with Kaidon and that's okay, it's not suppose to.
When something happens that we don't want, we usually retrace our steps in an attempt to figure out what we could have done differently. We assign blame and feel guilty. When I accept that everything has happened to support me in waking up to my ONENESS with perfect Love, then I give myself space to harvest the wisdom from my past experiences and stay present to what's unfolding in front of me now.
I still follow the thread of inspiration and desire, pursuing things that feel fulfilling and fun. I continue to cultivate exciting goals and trust that I can create anything I put my mind and heart into, however I go forward today without attachment to how it will ultimately unfold. This approach supports me in staying present to the perfection that's unfolding, even if it doesn't look the way I had planned.
I've learned through the grieving process that it's important to stay present to the feelings that arise. Part of healing is to fully accept what's occurring. I welcome the waves of sadness and I welcome the waves of happiness. Kaidon busted our hearts wide open and I honor him by staying present to my emotions. I've become grateful in moments of suffering because they give me the opportunity to explore my thoughts and discover what I'm believing that isn't true. Where am I fighting with reality?
My husband and I have experienced a lot of healing this year. Our life perspective has shifted and I know it's another gift that our son has given us. He had a perfect life. Our story took an unwanted turn but I accept that it unfolded the way it was meant to unfold. In my acceptance, I find peace and my heart remains open. This is an answered prayer.
Jesse Brune-Horan is a Spiritual teacher and happy living expert. He's the co-founder & Spiritual director of Inspire Spiritual Community, a non-profit organization supporting the LGBTQ+ community. He's the host of the podcast "LGBTQ+ and Spiritual", and co-host of the lifestyle series "Super Easy with Jesse and Alison." He lives and Loves in Los Angeles with his husband Christopher and their family.